Holiday Ha-Ha

Since yesterdays was really good, but not that funny, I will try to make it up today.

Christmas Cake -- Real Good

1 cup water
1 cup sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups dried fruit
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup brown sugar
Lemon Juice
Nuts
1 large bottle of favorite whiskey

Sample the whiskey to check for the quality.
Take a large bowl.
Check the whiskey again to be sure it is of the highest quality.
Pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer; beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
Make sure the whiskey is still OK.
Cry another tup.
Turn off mixer.
Break 2 legs and add to the bowl.
And chuck in tup of dried fruit.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriber.
Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sif 2 tups of salt.
Or something.
Anything.
Check the whiskey.
Now sift the lemon juish and strain your nuts.
Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something.
Whatever you can find.
Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 gudrees.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Put bowl in cake tin.
Check the whiskey again.
Pour in rest of whiskey.

Druitcake guarantee tast reel good.
Verery relaxxing.
Good for strees.


Santa's Bad Day
The Birth of a Tradition

One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, an irritable Santa trudged to the door.
He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Thanks to www.humormatters.com